Wednesday, February 9, 2011

My Heart (Attack) Belongs to You

I have figured out why New Year's resolutions involving weight loss never work out. It's because everywhere you look, the entire month of February is basically regarded as National Cupcake Month. If you were lucky enough to make strides in January, you can [chocolate] kiss them all goodbye once February starts.

I hadn't been carefully scrutinizing the endcaps in book stores or display tables at local boutiques, but subliminally they must have gotten me. The recipes, stationery sets, boxer shorts, bookmarks and more, all bedecked with cute little images of cupcakes and chocolate. I have been absolutely cuckoo for chocolate lately. And I've been passing the bug to my kids. I'm generally not a candy-loving mom. But these days, my god, if it's not dipped in chocolate, I see no reason to eat it.

One more reason to loathe (or perhaps, love) Valentine's Day.

I had no idea how ridiculously easy working with chocolate is. You melt it. That's it. Pushing the buttons on the microwave is in fact the hardest step. Once it's melted, you simply dip things in it or pour it into molds.

First up: Chocolate-Covered Pretzel Rods. We went for white chocolate and heart-shaped sprinkles. (I heard they were lower in calories than regular sprinkles.)

Second Course: Nonpareil Chocolate Hearts. (They say pareils are really fattening. So, I went for the non-pareils.)

After that, I chose to mix things up a bit. That's when things got really ugly.

Instead of chocolate for the third course, I went with Cream Cheese Melts, which are made almost exclusively of fat and sugar. You know you're in trouble if food coloring is the most nutritious ingredient. Worse than that, they were incredibly messy to make and did not come out looking anywhere near as lovely as the ones in the magazine.

We mixed together cream cheese, butter and (gasp!) corn syrup. Next, we added a bucket of confectioner's sugar. We then kneaded it over another bucket's worth of sugar before dying it, rolling it, braiding it and slicing it. They looked horrible. My running out of red food coloring didn't help.(Well, there goes ALL nutritional value!) In an effort to enhance their face value, I shaped them into little hearts. That ought to help them remember which part of my body to clog.

My only goal at this point is to make it to March alive. Lucky for me, I hadn't made any resolutions in the beginning of the year, so I don't have those looming over me. Nonetheless, it is probably not the best idea to spend the next few weeks eating my body weight in chocolate and cream cheese.

Well, at least February is a short month.


  1. Thank you for ranking the candy from least to most fattening. I have eaten from both ends of the spectrum this candy season and have convinced myself that one canceled out the other. Pretzels being all diet-like and whatnot. I have also justified my extreme candy intake with my mommy-needs-a-glass- of- wine cutback. When my daughter asks about the dimples in my thighs, I'll just tell her there used to be non-pareils there.
    You really crack me up.

  2. this is hilarious. that nonpareils joke really got me too.
    i was feeling a little guilty about being too busy to make chocolate covered pretzels with my kid, but after reading about the cream cheese debacle thought maybe i was doing him a favor:)) great post krista!

  3. Good for you Krista! These blogs are awesome! I do envy you being at home with those beautiful babies at such a wonderful time of discovery and simple childhood! Alex will be 9 in May and I know I've missed so much working all those years. Cheers to you!

    Steph Rigling